My Scariest Secret

I am currently an entrant in the White House Youth Sustainability Challenge, for which I created a video about how I promote sustainability in my life. If you are reading my blog, you are probably close enough to me that you are probably already aware of this fact, so I’ll spare you the details (If you haven’t voted yet, please do so here). What I really want to talk about right now is the overwhelming support that I have received from friends and family in this endeavor.

To put things in perspective, I submitted my entry yesterday, starting in last place (11th). By that point, most entries had already been in the competition for weeks and had garnered dozens of votes. However, with the support of my friends and family, I have raced all the way up to 3rd place with 163 votes in just a day-and-a-half.

Wow. I am so shocked and humbled by this wave of positive energy from everyone that I know to help me reach the top. Whereas I may jokingly say that I would give up anything to win this challenge… the one thing that I would not give up is the love from my friends and family.

Yearbook photo, 8th Grade

However, I wasn’t always this way. There was a point in my life—around middle school—when I wouldn’t have been able to get so much support from my friends… well, because I had none. It was my self-discovery phase. During that time, all I wanted to be was “cool”. However, that was also the time when it was “cool” for my peers to exclude others from their social groups. As someone who looked different and acted gawky, I often found myself on the sharp end of the stick. Over time, I became very lonely. I had no one to trust, no one to talk to, and no one to hug. The only times that my peers did talk to me was to make fun of the way I looked or acted.

Then I started eating lunch by myself every day in the bathroom stalls because I felt as though no one wanted to be around me. I was so sad and scared and even started losing patches of my hair. One day in Health class, when we were learning the signs of suicide, I had to excuse myself from the classroom because I recognized every sign—other than cutting—in me. The only thing that kept me from pulling the final plug was that every night I told myself, “Remember how this feels, so that one day you can make sure that no one else ever has to feel this way.” The scariest part of this was that no one knew—I trusted no one enough to let them know that I needed help. Not even my parents. This is the first time I have talked about my experiences so publicly.

Eventually, things started to get better when, one day, I decided I had enough and finally mustered enough courage to tell my bullies to “Stop!” and gained the help of some school administrators. I started meeting with Dr. Wedham, my high school’s psychologist, every day after school just to talk. I finally found someone who would listen to me and who motivated me. We talked about everything, including my desire to do something “more” with my life, and my interest in rainforests. Eventually, I put two and two together and decided to start my own environmental community service group. It was a shot in the dark… but after all I had gone through, I had nothing to lose.

Ever since then, things have gotten better. Much better. I led Enspiration, my environmental community service group for two years before moving onto college. Along this journey, I have met so many people who inspire me daily with their altruism, accomplishments, and ambition. Every person that I meet inspires me in their own individual way and makes me want to be the best version of myself.

Your actions matter.

So, right now, I wish I could just pause and cherish this moment in time forever. Thank you to everyone who has voted for me in the White House Youth Sustainability Challenge, and thank you to everyone who has ever believed in me. I am eternally grateful for knowing you amazing, wonderful, inspiring people. I would not be who I am today without you. Everyone in my life is a part of my story, and I will never forget that. If I win this contest, it will not be my victory, but ours, because your love and support is what makes me believe in myself… and that is what is most important.

“WHO AM I?”

Today was a bitter-sweet day (unlike the chocolate that I am currently eating, which is semi-sweet). Exams are, for the most part, over. As a result, the campus was invaded with blue rolling carts ferried by students moving out of their residence halls. Some students were going home, although many were simply just moving to their summer housing since summer internships in Washington DC are a-plenty. Since I’m not moving into my summer housing until May 24 and had nothing to do, I helped my good friend Isabelle move into her new apartment.

In the span of, let’s say, 12 hours she purchased the furniture from IKEA, we moved it into the apartment, assembled some of it, had a mini-trashion (trashy fashion, duh) show with the packaging materials, moved most of her belongings over, and accidentally locked the elevator from the inside-out (sorry, neighbors!). Needless to say, it was quite the job.

playing dress-up with IKEA’s packaging material

Although I felt the most productive that I have been all week since I finished my exams, I couldn’t stop wondering, “Am I really doing this? Who am I?” It was no help that Isabelle’s favorite exclamation is, “Who are you?”, which is to be uttered while laughing out of breath.

Truth is, we’re growing up. I’m growing up. And it’s a little bit scary. Although I’m not moving into an apartment yet since I’m going to be house staff (which means “R.A.” at other schools) for a couple dozen freshmen next year, it is without a doubt that my responsibilities are starting to diversify to include more than just doing well in school and exercising at least twice a week. Some things, like having to pay rent with my own income, can be expected, but so many things are unknown. And I love that. It may be a bit scary, but it’s also exciting!

This my life; I will make it what I want.

And this is my blog; I will make it what I am.

Oh, and did I mention that Monday is my first day at my new job? This summer, I’m going to be working for Tigercomm, a “leading PR, marketing communications firm at the center of the cleantech industry”. With the “green” theme in mind, what better way is there to leave a crisp first impression than with a green gingham shirt (J.Crew) paired with slightly-cuffed white chinos (Brooks Brothers) and a pair of casual deck shoes (United Colors of Benetton)! I’m still considering a couple of bow ties, fun-colored socks, and may also throw on a sports coat depending on tomorrow’s weather.

First day of work outfit: green gingham shirt from J.Crew, white chinos from Brooks Brothers, and brown leather boat shoes from United Colors of Benetton.

So, here’s to new experiences: successes but not without failures, finding myself but not without getting lost, and putting my passion into what I do every day. 

Life is beautiful.